kusut

after all these years.. now i realize how much i miss my late father.. it's been almost 6 years he'd gone.. however i feel like it's just yesterday he left me and my family.. i still remember the moment in 2002.. i was in form 2..

it was after Agama exam and i was talking with my friend about the paper.. how we answered and we laughed at our silliness (i got B for agama in PMR) suddenly, alya, my ex schoolmate a.k.a ex roommate called me.. she said that mak long a.k.a the principal at that time wanted me to go to the office.. i can feel my blood running vastly at that time.. without asking i went to the office..

my mind was full of uncertainty.. fears and nervousness come at the same time.. what have i done wrong?? i asked myself.. nothing i guess.. i kept talking with myself until i reach the office.. when i opened the principal's room, i saw my pak lang..

what is he doing here?? i asked myself... then mak long asked me to sit down and asked me to pack my things and go home.. what the heck??? i shout loudly but it didn't come out from my throat.. like i've lost my voice and outside the office pak lang told me something i never expected..

"ayah nadia da xde ni..."

i was astounded.. i lost all words i've ever known.. i don't know what to say.. should i say something?? or not?? i didn't even know how to think.. my body was numb for a second.. then i rushed to pack my things.. all the way to kuantan, i didn't sleep or talk with any of my cousins.. 5 hours of silence.. i kept denying and denying.. i still couldn't accept it..

and as i walked inside my house.. i can see my relatives talking to one and another.. i didn't get what they were chatting about because i thought of seeing my father.. at least seeing his body for the last time.. but none.. there's nothing.. they already buried him.. i was too late.. when i found my mother and hugged her, i cried.. a lot.. i didn't care about anyone else.. i felt too dissapointed of not seeing him for the last time...until now..

however i need to face it.. nobody's immortal.. but it's hard.. very hard.. and i still miss him..